


Pieces of Ourselves

by nothingeverlost



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Ending, F/M, Family, Rape/Non-con References, Undercover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-30
Updated: 2012-03-24
Packaged: 2017-10-30 09:18:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/330172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingeverlost/pseuds/nothingeverlost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"I knew what these people were like going in. It wasn't supposed to get this far but I knew the worst case scenarios. It was worth the risk." It had to be. Seven lives for a few new nightmares was a good trade, wasn't it?</i>  JJ's been working undercover for Andi Swan; Renee's not the only FBI agent that needs to be saved. AU 6.24, Supply and Demand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Going into the season six finale I didn't know anything except that JJ was going to be in the episode: I was hyper aware every time I saw blond hair. One of those times was in a scene with Renee, just the back of the head of a woman standing at a chain link fence, a woman who had been kidnapped. Obviously this wasn't JJ, but what if it was? What if working for the Justice Department was a ruse so the team didn't worry when the truth was that JJ was undercover trying to break a human trafficking ring? This idea has been simmering in my brain for awhile, and now it's a fully formed story that wants to be told. 
> 
> Canon until the middle of Supply and Demand. 
> 
> Warning: Mention of rape in future chapters

[ ](http://s997.photobucket.com/albums/af97/wiccagirl31/?action=view&current=jjhotch.png)

Two more were gone. Jake and Paige were both dragged out of their cells last night, as they'd been two nights ago. This time they didn't come back. She knew what that meant; someone had paid for the power to choose life or death, and their choice had been death. She hoped that it had been quick.

She was moving too slowly; a hand grabbed her hair roughly and pulled her forward until her legs hit the side of the van, layering bruises on top of her bruises. She fell forward onto a man too doped up to protest, and rolled over just in time to watch the door slam shut. They were on the move again, making it harder for anyone to track them down. Tonight they'd be someplace new and the cycle of torture, kidnapping and killing would continue. She closed her eyes, knowing that there was nothing she could do right now but sleep in the hope that there came a moment when being well rested mattered.

)(

It was chain link this time, instead of bars. The cells on either side of her were empty; they didn't encourage talking and didn't allow whispering. Just like the last place, she had a mattress and a pillow. Just like the last place she had no blanket or sheet, which had nothing to do with denying them warmth and everything to do with not giving them a way to commit suicide.

"Let me out of here."

Somewhere in the room a woman was shouting, railing against her fate. Maybe she didn't understand what was happening, or understood it too well. Either way she must be new; anyone who'd been here for more than a few days learned quickly that shouting only drew attention, and all attention in this place was bad. For the woman's sake she hoped the shouting ended soon. She hoped, too, that Andi was closer to figuring out what was happening than she had been the last time they'd talked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Hotch's monologue in _...And Back_ when he asks "And what about my team? How many more times will they be able to look into the abyss, how many times before they won't ever recover the pieces of themselves that this job takes?"


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was taking too long to find out where the organization was holding their prisoners, and that wasn't acceptable.

"I don't care how you do it, I just want it done. Now." He didn't understand half of what Garcia was trying to explain to him and he didn't have the patience to try. The upshot was that it was taking too long to find out where the organization was holding their prisoners, and that wasn't acceptable.

"Yes, sir." Garcia's voice was shaky and a few notes higher than usual. She backed halfway out of the room until she ran, literally, into Rossi.

"Sorry." She turned and hurried out of the room, heading for her office and the phone; she might need Kevin's help today.

"Do you need something?" Hotch barely looked up from the papers on his desk.

"I thought I'd come in here and volunteer to be your punching bag before you try and go through the rest of the team." Rossi closed the door to the office behind him before approaching the desk.

"A little dramatic, don't you think, Dave?" He was still only giving Rossi half of his attention. His mind was on the papers on his desk though he was careful not to look down; Dave could read him too well, and the fact that he already knew that something was wrong was more than Aaron wanted to share.

"You didn't see the look on Garcia's face when she left here. I don't think she'd looked that scared since that son of a bitch Battle was here. Why did you bite her head off like that? You know she's the fastest there is; if she can't find the answer you're looking for there has to be a reason."

"I'll apologize to her later." He knew, rationally, that it wasn't her fault that things weren't going fast enough, but at the moment all he cared about was finding the location of the group. Lives depended on it, more lives than he had realized before his trip to Renee's apartment with Andi.

"I know that you will. She's not the one that I'm worried about right now. You've been wound twice as tight as usual since you and Andi got back. Is there something you didn't mention at the briefing?"

"Nothing the team needs to know." Nothing the team _could_ know, not without making an already difficult case ten times harder.

"I'm not the team, Aaron. Talk to me."

For just a minute Hotch was tempted, but even if telling someone else made him feel better it was only going to bring Dave's day to a crashing stop, and make it harder for him to keep his head in the game. More than ever he needed everyone to be focused. "I can't. I need you to trust me on this, Dave."

"Is Erin giving you trouble again? Because I can..."

"It's not Strauss. I'll tell you when I can, alright? And I'll apologize to Garcia." His fingers itched to pick up the letter on his desk, the one Andi had given him, to read it for the third time and hope that some miracle had happened and the words had changed. He needed to be alone first, though. "Would you mind checking on her? I think you'd do a better job of calming her down right now."

"I'll do what I can. You know where to find me when you're ready to talk." Dave hesitated only another few seconds before reluctantly leaving. Hotch counted to ten before opening the file Andi had given him and taking out the letter written in a familiar script on yellow legal paper. His lips were pressed together so hard that they turned white, and the frown lines on his forehead that seemed ever present deepened into canyons.

_Hotch -_

_I've had a lot of time to think about this. I know you're going to disagree, but I believe this is the best way for everyone. You're shaking your head now, frowning and maybe even lecturing me through this piece of paper. You think that if I told you then somehow you could have helped me, watched out for me, kept anything bad from happening. You probably think you could have talked me out of doing this, which might be true and is the other reason I didn't tell you._

_Mostly, though, I kept this a secret because you would worry, and you do too much of that already. This is something I need to do. It's the right thing to do, and I know you believe that even if you wish I wasn't the one doing it. Don't blame Andi for anything that happens. She presented the case to me but it was my choice and I walked into this with both eyes open. People are dying, Hotch. Young women are being killed and you know I can't turn away from that. I think you understand why, too._

_I'm sorry I had to lie to you. I'm sorry you're reading this in a letter and not hearing it from me. I hope I get the chance to explain in person, and that you can forgive me. If I don't then I need you to know that I am grateful for my time working with you; I'm a better agent because I've worked with you, and a better person for knowing you. I am grateful for the family that I found at the BAU. I know you're looking out for them; I hope you're letting them look out for you._

_I only left the BAU three days ago, and already I miss the team so much. Coming back to Henry and coming back to the team are the two things that will see me through to the end of the case. If you're reading this now I hope it means the end is in sight, that justice is coming for these people who have caused so much pain. Someone needs to stop them; we see some many terrible things in our job but this is one of the worst. I couldn't turn a blind eye._

_Take care of yourself, Hotch, and give Jack a hug from me. I would tell you not to worry about me, but I know that's not going to happen._

_Your friend,_

_JJ_

 

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

They drugged the food. She hated eating it, knowing it made her thinking sluggish and her body more compliant, but without food she'd be weak and have trouble thinking anyway. There were no utensils, but she used the chicken patty to scoop up the beans and drowned out the flavor after she ate with the Kool-Aid. Her hands were sticky; what she wouldn't give for the diaper wipes she used to carry with her everywhere. She laughed a little; being dirty was the least of her problems.

Tonight or tomorrow she would be auctioned off, again. This time she might not be so 'lucky.' Some customers only wanted sex, others wanted human punching bags, but there were those that wanted nothing less than to look a person in the eye and take their life.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

This was it. He knew, as they neared the abandoned factory, that it was the place they'd been looking for with the same certainly that he had known that Foyet was at his old home with Haley. Tonight's outcome had to be different, through. He couldn't lose JJ. It was bad enough losing her to a safe, ordinary job. Knowing that she was healthy and happy he could live with; seeing her like the co-eds in the trunk would kill him.

"I needed to break this group, and she was one of the best people for the job. I'm sorry that you're upset with me but I needed her. She's good, Hotch. You know how good she is." It was the first time since they'd gotten into the SUV that Andi had spoken, both of them focused on where they were going and what might happen. It also wasn't a good time to have the conversation, so Hotch didn't answer.

There was a scraping of metal on metal as they drove through a chain link fence. He touched the gun strapped to his side, felt his back up gun heavy against his ankle, and rested his hand on the handle of the car door. He needed to be ready to move the moment the car stopped. Every second that passed felt like borrowed time.

"We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your team, Hotch. The only good thing about these last couple of days has been watching the way they work together. They're something special." Andi's hands on the steering wheel were as tense as his on the door handle, but her voice was calm and even.

"They're the best at what they do," Aaron said tersely. He had no focus to make polite conversation, especially not with her. He'd made an effort to be professional and courteous when the rest of the team was around, but just then it was too much.

Seconds later they pulled up to the buildings. There were twenty-six of them, counting the SWAT team. Hotch quickly divided them into three groups, sending Seever towards what looked like an abandoned building, Dave and Morgan towards one that had footprints around it, and paired himself with Andi to take the third building. He wanted to remind everyone that there were hostages in the building, to be careful, but they were all aware and stressing the point wasn't going to help anything.

"They're here somewhere. Let's go find them."

Dave gave him a look, just before they separated, that said he was waiting for something more. When it didn't come he frowned and took off down one hallway with Morgan, gun drawn.


	3. Number Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Rossi,” JJ whispered to herself. It sounded more like a croak to her ears. Maybe she was hallucinating, hearing only what she desperately wanted to hear. Maybe trying to get someone’s attention would only get her into more trouble, but she didn’t care.

“Just give me an excuse to blow your brains out.” The words echoed in the drafty room. JJ pressed her hands to either side of her head, trying to force herself to focus. There was something about that voice...

She tried to get up from the mattress but her legs were too heavy. She needed to get to the fence, to find out what was happening. She rolled, falling off the mattress and onto the cold, hard floor in the direction of the fence. Henry had gotten around this way once, and if he would to it so could she. She wiggled and rolled and pulled herself on her elbows until she made it there. She was just in time to hear the same voice, speaking softer now, closer.

“It’s alright. We’re going to get you out of here.”

“Rossi,” JJ whispered to herself. It sounded more like a croak to her ears. Maybe she was hallucinating, hearing only what she desperately wanted to hear. Maybe trying to get someone’s attention would only get her into more trouble, but she didn’t care; if there was any chance that her team was here she had to know.

“I’m here. I’m here.” Her voice still sounded like she had a mouth full of cotton. She hit the fence with the flat of her hands. “Please.”

“There’s another one over here.” A different voice this time, in the shadows to her left. She strained to see someone, but was blinded by a bright light shinning in her face; reflex had her holding up both arms to shield her face. They had shined a light on her for hours the first night they’d had her.

There was the sound of something hitting the ground, a tiny voice in her head said flashlight, and the light was abruptly gone. “JJ?”

“Morgan.” That was the other voice. Derek Morgan was squatting down in front of her cage, a look of shock on his face. She strained to get her fingers, at least, through the holes in the fencing, needing some tangible proof that he was there. 

“Rossi, you’ve got to get the bolt cutters over here _now._ ” He didn’t look away from her, but his voice was louder for a moment as he called for help. He spoke to her just above a whisper, like he might to a wild animal. She must look like hell. “We’ll have you out of here in a minute, Jayje. Hold on. Just one more minute.”

“You’re here?” His fingers touched her own, and she let her eyes close as she concentrated on the connection. His hand was warm, a sharp contrast to how cold she felt.

“We’re all here, the whole team. I need you to open those beautiful blue eyes of yours, girl. Look at me.” There was pressure on her fingers, his voice louder than it had been. She opened her eyes to look at him.

“They put something in the food, keep us quiet. I’m fine,” she reassured him, speaking slowly because she was pretty sure her words were slurred.

“There were two more around the corner from where we... son of a bitch.” Rossi came to an abrupt halt that might have been comical if JJ had the energy to laugh. “Jen?”

“We need to get her out. We’ll figure out what the hell is going on after that.” 

Rossi didn’t need to be told to go to work on the chain that held her prison door closed; already his arms strained from the effort of forcing the cutters through the metal.

“Assignment for Andi. Undercover.” Her mouth was so dry, it was hard to get out more than a few words at a time.

“Got it.” The bolt cutters clattered to the ground, the door banged as it swung open, and a moment later it wasn’t only her fingers that were warm. Arms wrapped around her, supporting her, helping her to stand. 

“You’re alright, JJ. We’ve got you now.” Coming from Rossi it wasn’t a platitude, it was a promise. Anyone trying to get to her tonight would have to go through him; she almost felt sorry for any of the kidnappers or their clients that hadn’t been rounded up yet.

“Hotch, it’s Morgan. You’re not going to believe this, but...” Morgan didn’t even get to finish when the radio crackled and Hotch interrupted.

“Is she alright?” There was no way, over the static, to read his tone. “JJ. Is she alright?”

“You knew?” Morgan’s eyes narrowed.

“Found out yesterday. Is she alright?” Not even the static could hide the agitation in his voice.

JJ raised her head up from Rossi’s shoulder. “I’m fine.”

“She’s safe now. Sooner we can get her out of here the better. Rossi’s taking her to the paramedics while I continue in here.” As soon as he was done talking to Hotch, Morgan motioned to someone in the shadows. “I need a blanket.”

“This explains Hotch’s foul mood yesterday.” Rossi bent to pick her up, but JJ shook her head.

“I can walk.” JJ looked down at her feet, telling herself that she could move them one at a time. Just standing made here feel a little more clearheaded. She didn’t have any shoes, but the concrete in the abandoned factory was smooth. For the first time since they’d arrived she was conscious that she was wearing nothing but a tank top and underwear. At least they were clean; bathroom breaks were the one small dignity they were allowed, though JJ suspected it had more to do with not wanting the ‘merchandise’ to stink.

Rossi let her have her way, for a little while at least. With an arm around her waist they moved like they were in a three legged race, shuffling to one side, finally passing through the door in the chain link fence. Her first steps to freedom. Morgan had a blanket waiting for her when they made it a few more steps.

“Thank you.” She was glad for the warmth, but more grateful that she was covered. She was too tired to worry about modesty, but everyone, especially Hotch, didn’t need to see the bruises or the jagged cut in her thigh. it was bad enough that Morgan and Rossi had already seen her as she was. When Morgan wrapped the blanket around her she touched his hand. 

“I’ve only been here a couple of days. It hasn’t been a vacation or anything, but you guys got here before anything bad happened. I’m fine. Really. Now go make sure none of them get away. They have to be held accountable for what they’ve done.” To Jake and Paige. To the woman who had been screaming earlier. To the dozens of coeds that had gone missing over the past few years.

After one more glance at her Morgan reluctantly moved on, quickly followed by three SWAT team members that had been keeping a respectable distance, leaving her alone with Rossi.

“Now how are you really doing, kid?” he asked gently as they started walking in the opposite direction, towards the door that would take them outside.

“I’ll let you know when I figure that out for myself. Numb, mostly. Sore, but nothing lasting.” The physical effects of her stay would fade in a week or two, other than the cut that might leave her with a scar. Mentally was a different issue; no matter how prepared she’d been for worst case scenarios there was no way to really prepare herself for what had happened the last five days.

“You know if you’d wanted to get the whole team together there are easier ways. It’s nice weather for a picnic.” Rossi kept up a light patter of conversation, teasing and words of encouragement as he helped her towards the door. Once they were outside he wouldn’t listen to any arguing, and picked her up to carry her towards the waiting ambulances. “You’re not wearing any shoes, and who knows what trash is on the ground out here.”

“You should be helping Morgan. I’m not going anywhere.” JJ sat just inside the ambulance, still clinging to the blanket. She knew there was no way she was getting out of a trip to the hospital, but many of the others were worse off than she was. The paramedics were taking care of the most vital cases first; two ambulances had left already.

“They’re almost done in there. At last count all but one building has been checked and sixteen arrests have been made.”

“Eighteen,” a young woman interjected as she walked past, a step behind a man with his hands bound behind him. The man she hadn’t seen before, the woman was familiar. It took her a minute to remember the woman’s name; Seaver. They’d met when JJ had broken her undercover assignment for a few days to find Emily. 

“Eighteen,” JJ muttered, knowing that wasn’t all there were. Hopefully everyone involved in the kidnapping was caught, but she knew not all of the ‘clients’ were at this location. “How many victims?”

“Seven, not counting you.” Rossi caught movement out of the corner of his eye as Hotch and Andi came around the corner of the building. He could tell the exact moment his friend spotted JJ; even from this distance he could see the frown on Hotch’s face deepen.

“I’m not a victim. I volunteered for this.”

“You volunteered for a case, not for this JJ. There’s a difference.” Rossi might have said more, but a screech of tires was followed by the report of dozens of guns as a red SUV tried to flee the scene.

“That makes at least nineteen,” JJ stared at the SUV with tired eyes.

“Eighteen,” Rossi said a moment later after one of the SWAT members shook his head. The driver was dead. “And an eighth victim rescued,” he added when a young woman was helped from the back seat by Hotch.

“Why was he taking someone with him?” JJ strained to see across the distance. The flashing blue and red lights of the cars made it hard to focus. She stood, taking two steps forward. Almost immediately Rossi was at her side, holding onto her arm.

“We’ll figure out the whys later; we have time. He didn’t make it, so she’s safe now.”

“She was always safe,” JJ said in a whisper when she finally got a clear look at the woman being comforted by Hotch and Andi. She started shaking; Hotch was in so much danger and he didn’t have a clue. “That’s _her_ , Dave. She’s the one that organized all of this. You have to warn Hotch.”

Rossi’s hand was already on his gun when the brunette pointed a gun she’d been concealing at Hotch’s head. She didn’t have time to pull the trigger before Rossi’s bullet severed the top of her spinal column and she collapsed on the ground like a ragdoll. JJ almost collapsed too, but Rossi caught her around the waist and led her back to the ambulance.


	4. Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ didn’t speak until the last police car drove away, and SWAT began to follow them out. “I’m sorry.”

There was something off about the way the woman was acting. Maybe he should have picked up on it sooner, but from the moment he saw JJ huddled inside the ambulance he couldn’t seem to focus on anything else. She was alive. Last night he’d barely slept, his mind going over every possible thing that could be happening to her and imagining her face on every dead   
body he had ever seen.

He’d been the one to help the young brunette from the car, but Andi was doing most of the talking. He’d only been listening, and barely that. The feeling that something was wrong was barely an itch at the back of his mind until her hand swung up and she was pointing a gun at him. He didn’t even have a chance to draw his own weapon before the stickiness of blood splatter covered one side of his face. If Dave had been any slower it would have been his blood.

“Renee was last seen with a woman,” Andi commented as they both looked down at the pool of blood on the concrete. Half of the woman’s jaw was gone, where the bullet had exited. “It never occurred to me...”

“It’s extremely rare for a group like this to be dominated by a leader who is female or young, let alone both. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen or heard of a case like this one.” Despite all that he’d seen there were still so many things he couldn’t understand. How could a young woman be responsible for the torture, rape and death of people her own age? People who, like Renee, must have trusted her. She was the reason JJ was there was well; it wasn’t the blood or disfigurement that turned his stomach when he looked down at her.

“If you’ll excuse me.” He barely nodded at Andi before stepping around the corpse. He crossed the yard in his normal strides, though he was tempted to run.

“She’s dead,” he said unnecessarily as he stopped a few feet shy of the ambulance’s open back door.

“Good riddance.” The only thing Rossi regretted was the pile of paperwork Strauss was going to make him do. That, and the fact that the psychopath hadn’t suffered more. 

“I’m going to go check in on the others.” He touched JJ’s shoulder lightly, and nodded at Aaron. 

“Thanks, Dave.” The words were paltry considering what Rossi had done, but they were more than enough between friends. Rossi only quirked the corner of his mouth up in acknowledgement before he walked away, re-holstering his gun as he went.

“How are you?” he asked JJ when they were alone. Two months since he’d seen her, he should have been able to manage something better than that, but his brain wasn’t working well. She had the blanket wrapped tightly around her but as he’d been walking towards her he’d seen a bruise on her calf and there were dark smudges under her eyes. He wondered what other injuries she was hiding.

“I’m thinking of having the words ‘I’m fine’ tattooed on my forehead.” She sighed a little. The air between them grew thick with silence as they watched police cars leave one by one, carrying away the perverts that liked to maim and kill, and the ones that bought and sold human beings. JJ didn’t speak until the last police car drove away, and SWAT began to follow them out. “I’m sorry.”

“What?” Hotch looked at her, confused. Why was she apologizing to him?

“I didn’t like lying to you, about this. I’m sorry you had to find out from Andi.” 

“I understand why you did it.” That didn’t mean he had to like it, though. She wasn’t wrong about some of the things she said in her letter, but that didn’t make it easier to take. 

“Why you didn’t tell me,” he clarified. He still didn’t really understand why she’d taken Andi up on her offer after turning her down once. 

“There were two files that crossed my desk last September. Two missing college students, but they were in different parts of the country with nothing to link them. We get so many cases, so many other places we’re needed, that all I could do was pass the information onto Andi. A week later there was another file, a twenty year old woman away from home for the first time.” Her hair had been long and blond, paler than JJ’s own. She was older than Alice had been, but there was something about the eyes that reminded JJ of her sister. “In the last year I’ve flagged over thirty files for Andi. Two were found dead. One was found alive. The others... I had to do something, Hotch.”

“You do something, every day. People are alive and families are reunited because of the work you do at the BAU.” He hadn’t appreciated just how much work that was, until she’d gone and he’d tried to take it on himself.

“It didn’t feel like enough, not when they kept vanishing and Andi was there giving me a chance to help stop it.” 

“JJ...” He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, and was almost relieved when Morgan came up to them. Hotch took half a step back.

“All the buildings have been cleared. The crime scene techs will come in the morning; until then a patrol will stay out here to keep an eye on things. We’re ready to go.” He turned to JJ, looking her over in the better light; it made her being here all too real. “I didn’t get a chance earlier to say how much I’ve missed you. Any chance I can get a hug?”

“There’s every chance.” Her smile, for the first time in over a week, was a genuine one as he wrapped his arms around her.

It was such a private moment that Hotch almost felt like he should turn away, but he couldn’t. He felt, among other things, jealous; not of the friendship between Morgan and JJ, but of the easy way Morgan was able to ask for, and offer, comfort. Any thoughts about his own inability to let people close was derailed when the blanket, not held as tightly while JJ hugged Morgan, slipped down. There were bruises on the back of JJ’s shoulder, four small oval bruises in a perfect row. Someone had held her down so tight that they’d marked her. Ten different ways she could have gotten bruises in just that place occurred to him; he hated every single possibility.

“I’ll let the medics know you’re ready to go.” His hands, as he walked away, were clenched so tightly they turned white.


	5. The Exam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ bit her lip, looking down and wishing there was a way to avoid what was coming. She knew, though, that he'd find out when he read the case report; he always read the case reports.

"Morgan, I need you to do me a favor." She'd managed to convince Hotch that she'd be more comfortable going to the hospital as a passenger in the SUV rather than in the back of an ambulance. He'd consented, but only if she rode with him. Morgan was waiting with her while Hotch got the car, which was good timing as far as JJ was concerned.

"Anything, Jayje." There was a hint of relief in his voice; JJ knew it was killing him not to be able to do anything. She'd seen that same helpless look before, most recently in the hospital waiting room when they'd waited to hear about Emily, before she'd told her lie and devastation had overruled all other emotions. They spent too much time in hospitals.

"I need you to go back to the BAU. If Garcia hears about me being here from the usual building grapevine she's going to panic. You need to let her know that I'm alright."

"I can do that. You know what her driving's like even on the best of days; I'll drive her to the hospital too."

"No." JJ's response was sharp and immediate. Her fingers dug into his forearm; she hadn't even realized that she'd been touching him until then. "That's exactly what I need you to stop her from doing."

"No power in the universe is going to stop my baby girl from checking up on you tonight, JJ."

"I know." A ghost of a shadow appeared on her lips, thinking about the persistence of her friend. "Tell her my fridge is empty and I haven't had a hot meal in a week. She has a key to my place. I'd rather see her there than in another hospital. She's not going to be able to be with me most of the time I'm there anyway."

"Are you sure?" He looked like he was having a hard time not arguing with her. After all she'd already turned down Andi, Rossi and Seaver's offers to go to the hospital with her.

"It's what I want. Please? You're the only one that can convince her." She knew Morgan would find the best way to tell Garcia. Her friend would protest and fret, but ultimately would redirect that energy into making soup and washing sheets and baking something with chocolate in it. Garcia could always be counted on to make cookies, brownies or cake for any occasion.

"Alright," he agreed reluctantly. "But do me a favor and think about saying yes when she gives you those puppy dog eyes and asks to spend the night. It'd be good for both of you."

"Thank you, Morgan. If you can convince Reid not to come either I'd be grateful. I'll call him as soon as I can." Once she had his promise she could feel the adrenaline draining. She let herself lean against him as they watched Hotch drive up, and then let him help her into the front seat; never before had she realized just how high off the ground an SUV was.

"I'm going to catch a ride with SWAT so I can tell Garcia and Reid what's what. Call me if you need anything, alright?" Morgan looked at Hotch, but she knew that last part was aimed mostly at her. She turned her head to look at him, nodding just a little before he closed the door.

She fell asleep five minutes into the drive, and woke up when Hotch pulled up in front of the emergency room. She considered telling him that he didn't have to come in with her, but didn't have the energy to argue the point, and knew it was a waste of time anyway.

It was cold, the late spring still carrying a chill in the air, but thanks to Hotch's go bag she at least had socks on her feet and a sweatshirt that hit her at mid-thigh. She was still self conscious about walking into the building looking the way she did, but that couldn't be helped. Hotch's badge got them past the front desk, and a few whispered words got them the promise that a nurse would be with them in a few minutes.

"If you need to get home to Jack I'll be alright on my own, you know." She knew how hard it was to have not enough time with your kids; she figured Hotch would be better off going home than sticking around the hospital. He wasn't even going to be allowed to stay with her for the most part.

"Jack's staying the night with Jessica, and I'm staying here. You don't need to be alone, JJ. If you'd rather, I could have Garcia come down here?" Maybe she'd be more comfortable with a woman around. For the millionth time since Prentiss 'died' Hotch wished she was here. For the first time, he knew that if he had a way to contact her he probably would.

JJ shook her head. "They're not going to let you stay in here anyway."

"I have some work I can do." Or he could pace and scowl until it was time to take her home, which considering the past few hours was more likely. He wasn't going to be able to concentrate on reports.

JJ bit her lip, looking down and wishing there was a way to avoid what was coming. She knew, though, that he'd find out when he read the case report; he always read the case reports. "Hotch, before the nurse comes in..."

There was a swooshing noise as the curtain around them was pulled back; it was too late to tell him anything in private. A woman in purple scrubs, her red hair pulled back, stood before them.

"Hi, my name's Trina. I'm going to ask you some questions so we know how we can help you. Can you tell me your name?"

"It's Special Agent Jennifer Jareau. Before you do anything there's something you need to know." She looked away from Hotch nervously, her hand tightening on the edge of the bed. This would be twice as hard if she had to look at him when she said it.

"You can tell me anything. The more information we have, the better." She was upbeat, moreso than the late hour warranted. The genuine smile felt surreal after the last five days, like walking out of a movie theatre and being startled to find it was still day. JJ wondered if she was always so chipper; she wasn't sure if it would make the next few hours easier or harder.

"I need you to collect for an SAE kit." Years of public speaking made it possible to say the words without a tremor in her voice, without betraying the acid that churned in her stomach. The last few days had been about just trying to survive. She hadn't been an agent, had barely been human in the eyes of her captors, but now that she was safe there were things she had to deal with. One was doing what she could to make sure that everyone involved in the case was caught and convicted. The other was to face the things that had happened to her, and that included being sold to a man who had held her down and forced himself on her.

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry." The nurse's smile faded, replaced by moist eyes. "I have to go get some things, but I'll make sure we get this done as quickly as possible. I'll also make sure that Dr. Simms is the one to come see you; she's the only female doctor here tonight. Do we need to notify the police?"

"The proper authorities been notified now." For the first time JJ looked tentatively up at Hotch, not even noticing when the nurse left them alone. He was looking at the wall, his head turned from her, the vein in the side of his neck throbbing. When she glanced down she saw that the fingers of his right hand were digging into the back of his left hand, the tension so strong that he'd managed to break the skin.

"We got them, Hotch. Eighteen sadistic people locked up, two more dead, seven people saved, and dozens of cold cases that will be solved. Those are good numbers." She touched her fingers to his, the first time she'd touched him since the the last time they'd been in a hospital together. He didn't touch her back, but he did loosen his hold on his own hand, the tips of the fingers no longer white. She could see the half circles indented on his skin, red and raw.

"I knew what these people were like going in. It wasn't supposed to get this far but I knew the worst case scenarios. It was worth the risk." It had to be. Seven lives for a few new nightmares was a good trade, wasn't it? She was hanging onto that thought every time she closed her eyes and saw the twisted smile come closer, remembered the hands on her body tearing away her clothes, touching her, violating her mind and body.

A hand on her shoulder pulled her out of the spiral of memories that threatened to drag her down. Hotch's hand, his fingers so warm against her skin even through the sweatshirt. "You are the strongest, most compassionate person I know. We've missed you"

"I've missed all of you too. E-mails and phone calls are a pale imitation for working with you. Maybe..." She shook her head. No, it wasn't fair to even bring up the subject of coming back to the BAU. She'd made her choice.

Hotch didn't know what to say in the few moments between her speaking and the nurse's return. He looked frustrated when it became obvious that he needed to leave, and told both the nurse and JJ to call him if anything was needed. "I'll be right down the hall."

JJ nodded, waiting until he was gone before looking at the box the nurse had brought with her to collect her clothes, and things much more personal. She bit her lip, knowing not just from training but from sitting with victims in a hospital what was to come. It felt like another violation.

II

He made it down the hall and around the corner without remembering taking more than the first step. Now that he was alone his stoic mask faded, his control slipped as he hit the wall with the side of his fist, needing some way to vent what he was feeling.

"What did the poor wall ever do to you?"

Hotch didn't even both looking at his hand to make sure he hadn't damaged it. "Why aren't you at the office, Dave?"

"Nothing I need to be doing there. I dropped Ashley and Andi off, made sure Morgan had a handle on things. It's hard to tell how Reid is dealing, exactly, but I'm pretty sure you can guess what Garcia's reaction was; she was almost to the elevator before Morgan caught her. I'm not sure I understand why JJ doesn't want her to come here, but by the time I left she was making a shopping list so she could go to the store before going to JJ's. I figured I would be more useful here."

"There's nothing to do here but wait." He'd wondered why JJ didn't want to see Garcia too, at first. After all nothing would have stopped JJ from getting to Garcia when the positions were reversed; seconds after he'd told her about the shooting she'd been heading for the car, and only his instance that he would drive had slowed her down at all. Now, though, it was painfully clear why she wanted to be alone. As usual she was trying to take care of those around her, sheltering her friend from knowing just how bad things had gotten while she was held.

"From the looks of it I might be waiting next to you in x-ray, you keep doing things like that." Dave nodded at the wall. "You want to talk about it?"

"Are you going to listen if I say no?"

"Probably not, so we might as well find somewhere more comfortable to wait."

A few questions asked, a few smiles, and some of the Dave Rossi charm and a nurse had found them somewhere to wait that was a little quieter and more private. Someone who didn't know him might think Dave was blase about what they'd seen tonight, and about finding JJ the way they had. Hotch knew better; the experienced profiler was good at hiding things, but he didn't always guard the look in his eyes.

"Andi told you about JJ yesterday." It wasn't a question but a statement, spoken once they were both seated and drinking coffee that was bitter, but hot and caffeinated. "I don't think Garcia is going to let you apologize for biting her head off, once she figures that out."

"Everyone was already working as hard as they could. Nothing good could have come from any of you knowing what we might find." The rest of the team hadn't needed the same nightmares he'd had, last night, during the brief time he'd managed to close his eyes.

"We were lucky. We could have found something much worse." Like Renee, who was upstairs in the ICU. Like the kids Rossi had seen in the trunk of a car.

"Lucky. Right." He thought of the way JJ had looked away when she'd requested an SAE kit from the nurse. JJ, who stared down serial killers and told them they didn't have the right to call her by her name, who stood calmly before the press knowing that thousands of people were watching, couldn't look him in the eye because of what some man had done to her. He wanted to find out who it was and beat him until he bled. He'd only felt like that about one man before, despite all the depravity he'd seen. This was personal.

"She's alive, Aaron. Whatever happened to her while she was gone, she'll get through it. She's strong, and she's not alone."

"I don't know if she believes that."

"Then we'll make sure she does."


	6. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll be okay." Maybe if she said it often enough it would become true.

They gave her a set of scrub pants when she was done. She wore them with Hotch's sweatshirt and sat at the edge of the hospital bed, arms wrapped around herself, waiting for the nurse to let Hotch know that she was ready to leave. She was long past ready to leave. The last hours had been uncomfortable, embarrassing, painful; all she wanted was her own home and a hot shower.

"JJ?" She looked up to find not only Hotch, but Rossi as well, waiting for her. Both looked concerned, though Rossi at least was trying to smile. "The nurse said we can spring you from this place. Ready to get out of here?"

"Do you really have to ask?" She slid from the bed, holding the instructions the nurse had given her and a bag with samples of drugs she needed to take in the morning. Not even the hospital pharmacy was open this late, so they'd given her enough to cover her until the next day. PEP was only effective for the first 72 hours after a rape, and she was already at 50 hours, give or take. She also had an antibiotic for the cut on her leg and any STDs she might have been given. In a week she'd need to see her doctor to get the stitches out. In six months she'd need to get a second HIV test.

They walked to the exit, Hotch on her right and Rossi on her left, as if they could protect her from the world. She knew that they both wanted to, and knew just as well that they couldn't. Hotch's SUV was still, thankfully, parked at the curb in the red zone, probably saved by the fact that it was so obviously a law enforcement vehicle.

"You need anything at all, someone to talk to, a ride, those little chocolate truffles you like so much you call me, alright? I don't care if it's three o' clock in the morning, I'll answer." Rossi opened the passenger door for her. "I know it's hard coming back from an undercover assignment, but you're still a part of our team, and we're all here for you."

JJ nodded, not quite sure what to say. Other then the last days she hadn't been alone, but her 'classmates,' handler and Andi were all casual acquaintances. Right now, so drained and exhausted, it was hard to remember what it was like to be part of a group.

"I mean it." As she got into the car he slipped her something; a cell phone. Her cell phone, left in the apartment she'd been living in under her assumed name when she was taken.

"Thank you." She didn't know how he'd gotten it, and didn't care. It was a connection; during her time undercover it was the only way she'd kept in contact with her team and with her son.

"Is there anywhere you need to stop before I take you home?" Hotch stopped at the edge of the parking lot, his head turned to look at her.

"No. I just want to get out of here." The clock on the dashboard read a little after one; it was a new day. She didn't feel any different.

The drive to her apartment was a quite one. When he turned off the engine outside her building she didn't get out, though. "Hotch, I know there are things that have to go in the report, but I'd rather the rest of the team didn't know about everything."

He knew what she wasn't saying. "None of them will think any differently or any less of you. You're a survivor and you're brave, and they know that."

"Nothing good comes from them knowing. All it's going to do is make all of them, especially Garcia, upset. There's nothing they can do about it, so why deliberately hurt them?" If it came down to a court case they might have to find out, but that would be months from now. She'd deal with it then.

"They can be there for you to talk to, JJ. You don't have to go through any of this alone."

"Pot, have you met the kettle lately?" She felt a little mean, saying it, but didn't have the energy to care.

"JJ."

"I'll talk to someone if I need to, Hotch. You know counseling is mandatory in situations like this, and I can talk to Andi; she'll have to know everything." Not that she'd really talk to Andi, not about anything personal. She was a good person to work for, but their relationship was strictly professional. Honestly she probably wouldn't say much to the psychologist either; she hadn't the one other time she'd been in therapy.

"You can talk to me." His voice was tentative, not because he didn't mean it, but because he wasn't sure how the offer would be taken.

"I'll be okay." Maybe if she said it often enough it would become true.

Hotch sighed. "I'll do my best to respect your request, but I need you to promise me that if you need to talk about it you'll go to Andi or your therapist, or you'll come to me. You're right, I'm not always good at talking to people about how I feel, but that means that I know what I'm talking about with this. Promise me?"

"I will talk to someone if I need feel like I should." It was a waffly answer, she knew, but she wasn't going to make him any promises that she didn't feel like she'd keep."

"Alright." He opened the car door, coming around to help her out. He didn't let go as they walked to the front door. "I can come in with you."

"Garcia's waiting for me. You need to get home to Jack; I know how important it is for you to see him, especially after days like today."

"What about you? You need to see your son just as much."

"I'll call Will tomorrow. He promised to bring Henry home when I was done with this case." Hotch was too polite to ask where Will was, and why he wasn't the one waiting for her. She couldn't get into all of that now, but knew that it was one more thing that she was going to have to explain, one more secret she'd kept.

"You're home!" The door was flung open, Garcia giving only a moment's notice before sweeping JJ up in a hug. "I didn't understand why we didn't ever meet up, why it was always only phone calls and e-mails, but now I do and you, you're such a super hero. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too." Garcia's cheerful presence was one of the hardest things to go without; only Henry's absence was more painfully noticeable. She hated, too, that Henry not only didn't have her for these past months, but also didn't have his godparents around.

"Come in, come in. I made chicken noodle soup and macaroni and cheese and brownies and those chocolate chunk cookies with the dark chocolate that you always say you're only going to eat one of but then end up with three. Morgan's at the store because I forgot milk the first time and you need milk with cookies. If there's anything you need I can call him."

JJ was only half listening, but she understood that both rambling and cooking were things that Garcia did when she was dealing with emotions, and didn't stop her. Even though they were no longer touching she could still feel the arms wrapped around her; it was the warmest she'd felt in days, if only for a minute.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" Hotch stood in the doorway, not following them in but not leaving either.

"I'm sure. Go home and give Jack a hug. Garcia has all the bases covered here." She could smell the chocolate and the soup; she wasn't hungry but knew that her body needed the nutrients that the food would provide.

"I'll find out from Andi where your car is and have it brought over tomorrow. If you need anything..."

"I'll call." She held up the cell phone in her hand.

"If she doesn't I will. I've got her, boss man." Garcia's cheerful expression grew serious as she glanced at JJ then back at Hotch, an unspoken pact made between the computer tech and the profiler; they would both do everything they could to take care of JJ.

"Good." He nodded his head briefly, then turned to leave. A moment later the door was closed behind him, locked and dead-bolted with the chain thrown for good measure.

JJ looked around the living room of her home, feeling like it was all alien. She knew that she'd hung each picture, that the quilt hanging over the back of the couch was one her grandmother had made, that the rocking chair was old but the coffee table she and Will had bought together. The room was the same; maybe it was her that was different.

"Do you want some soup?" Garcia waited a few feet behind her, unsure of what to do now that JJ was actually here.

"I need to take a shower first, okay?" Her skin felt like it was crawling with dirt and filth. She'd had one shower in five days, the afternoon before the first 'auction night' two and a half days ago.

"Okay. I'll just, I'll be right here. Is there anything else I can get for you? Tea? I know you like tea."

"Tea would be good." She didn't care about tea any more than she did food, but it would give Garcia something to do. She needed to feel useful.

After closing the door to her bedroom, JJ found clean underthings and a pair of old sweats that she hadn't worn in a long time, probably not since she was pregnant and all her clothes had stopped fitting. She took them with her into the bathroom, setting them on the counter . She turned the water on before she undressed; it didn't take long since all she wore were the scrub pants and Hotch's sweatshirt, but by the time she was done the room was already enshrouded in steam.

The water was too hot, but she barely adjusted the temperature, only enough so that it wouldn't burn her. Her skin turned pink almost immediately as the water poured over her skin. It almost surprised her that the water collecting on the shower floor and going down the drain was clear; she felt as if it should be as dirty as she felt. Maybe the dirt clung to her too well for the water alone to wash away. She scrubbed at her skin with soap and a loofah; only the skin covered with a bandage to protect her stitches escaped her zealous scouring.

She didn't feel any cleaner.

It wasn't until Garcia knocked on the door that she realized she was crying, tears streaming down her face only to be washed away by the water. She hadn't cried the whole time she'd been locked up, hadn't dared to let them see any weakness. Even when the knife was being dragged along the inside of her thigh, her captor's taunting of what he could do if he chose, she'd bit the inside of her cheek to keep from letting her pain show.

"JJ? I thought you might want your tea in here. I'm going to leave it on the counter, alright?"

Through the fogged glass JJ could see the bright colored shape that told her Garcia was still in the room, waiting for some kind of response. JJ opened her mouth, but quickly bit down on the flesh below her thumb to muffle a sob. She clenched her jaw, took a deep breath, and used every ounce of willpower she had left to try and sound normal. "Thank you."

"Anything for you, mon amie." The bathroom door clicked softly behind her as Garcia left.

JJ's body began to shake and there was no muffling the sobs this time as she sank to the shower floor, her back to the tile and her legs curled up into her chest. Everything that she'd been holding in for a week, things she'd been holding in for months all came pouring out, tears falling down the drain and grief reverberating against the shower walls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PEP stands for Post-exposure prophylaxis. It's a course of antiretroviral medications taken for a month after possible exposure to HIV infection. There are serious side effects but it drastically reduces your chance of getting HIV.


	7. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Give it a week or two and things will be just like they used to be. You won’t even remember I was gone.

For the first time in months JJ woke in her own bed. She was tangled in blankets; obviously Garcia had come in at some point to cover her, since she’d fallen asleep on top of the comforter. The blankets were all from the hall closet, except for the fuzzy blue one that was from the end of Henry’s bed; it was small and didn’t cover much more than her arms, but JJ figured warmth wasn’t the reason Garcia had picked it up. 

Henry had his favorite blanket with him, of course, but this was still something that belonged to her little man. It was a week since she’d talked to him, and she missed him more than anything else. It was still early, and earlier in Louisiana, but in a little while she’d call and tell him she loved him and pretend, for the length of the call, that things were okay.

“You’re awake.” Garcia hovered in the doorway, wearing different clothes then she had the night before; she must have brought her seldom used but always packed go-bag with her.

“You didn’t have to stay.” She’d told Garcia the same thing the night before, but wasn’t surprised that the tech hadn’t listened.

“There’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be right now. Besides the boss man oh so generously gave me the day off. Or mostly off; I have my portable baby here in case they need anything, but unless or until they call I’m here for anything you might need. Are you hungry?” She still lingered in the doorway, as if she was worried about invading JJ’s space. If this was a few months ago she would have flopped down on the bed already.

“I think you made enough food to keep me feed for a month already. You don’t have to keep cooking.” She’d managed a bowl of soup, the night before, then plead exhaustion and escaped to her room. She had been bone weary tired but it had still taken over an hour to fall asleep.

“That was dinner foods. We need breakfast foods like pancakes. You still like pancakes, don’t you?” Tentatively Garcia sat on the edge of the bed and straightened the corner of one of the blankets.

“I’m sorry we’ve missed so many breakfasts together that you have to ask that.” JJ reached out, covering Garcia’s hand with her own. Months ago she’d promised that they’d still see each other weekly, for coffee and breakfast. Perhaps, naively, she’d believed it herself. It had been more then two months since she’d seen Garcia, and far longer since they’d eaten together.

“You don’t get to apologize, missy. You were doing important things. Scary things. You...” Garcia’s voice broke, the tears that she’d held back so far in JJ’s presence shimmering in her eyes.

“I’m right here, Pen. Give it a week or two and things will be just like they used to be. You won’t even remember I was gone.” Except, of course, that she didn’t work for the BAU and might never again. She’d given up the job she loved for the one she needed to do. Soon she was going to have to decide if she was going to stay on under Andi, transfer to another department, or find work outside of the FBI. Her position of media liason, in her absence, had been terminated. The ruse of working for the Justice Department had been a lie, but there had been offers. She’d have to think about them now.

“This time we really will do coffee once a week. And playdates; I’ve missed going to the children’s museum with my god-baby.” Garcia used the cuff of her shirt to dab at her eyes before enveloping JJ in a hug.

“We’ll do coffee twice a week, just to make up for things, and as soon as Henry gets back we’ll go do something special, just the three of us. Will says he’s enthralled with watching the Mississippi River, so maybe he’d like the aquarium.” Just another couple of hours and she could talk to her little man. A couple more days and she could see him for the first time in two and a half months; Skype just wasn’t the same.

“Will not being here, is that a while you were undercover kind of thing, or...”

JJ shook her head. “He moved back to New Orleans. It would have happened no matter what, I think, but my saying yes to Andi brought some things to a head that both of us had been trying to avoid. We couldn’t ignore the big pink elephant in the room anymore.”

“I’m so sorry, Jayje.” 

“So am I.” Three and a half years; it was by far the longest relationship she’d been in, which was a pretty sad commentary on her life. Maybe Will was right and she really was married to her job, putting everything else second. Except for Henry; her son’s health and safety was always number one.

“I’m going to make pancakes with sugar cinnamon apples, sausage, and coffee. We can have breakfast and talk about it, or not talk about it, or talk about other things if you want, alright?” Garcia was nodding her head as if willing JJ to say yes.

“I’ll be out as soon as I get dressed,” JJ promised. If she was lucky she could guide the conversation to a nice safe topic, like Morgan or computers; then she wouldn’t have to do much more than listen and nod as she ate breakfast.

It had only been a few hours since her last shower but she took another one before getting dressed. She left her hair down; for months a ponytail had been her main hairstyle, trying to look younger. more then once she;d considered just cutting it all off.

The bathroom mirror was fogged from the steam of the shower, something she was grateful for as she got dressed without seeing the bruises on her back, without having to look herself in the face.. She stood at the counter took the pills out of the drawer where she’d stashed them the night before, not wanting Garcia to come into the bathroom and see them. JJ ignored the pain pills and sleeping pills the doctor had given her. The others she lined up on the counter and swallowed one by one, washing them down with a glass of water . She made sure all of the evidence was tucked away before going out to the kitchen to join Garcia for breakfast.


	8. Pancakes and Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m making breakfast,” the proud five and a half year old exclaimed.

By the time Hotch made it home, showered, checked on Jack and got to bed four and a half hours was the most sleep he could expect. He spent half an hour of that time staring at the ceiling, wondering how JJ was feeling and trying not to think about the bruises he’d seen and the ones he hadn’t. 

Was it really only three days ago that he’d thought JJ was safely ensconced in an office, going home each day to her son and boyfriend? Her e-mails had always been so cheerful, oftentimes a much needed breath of fresh air in the middle of a long day or a difficult case; it was hard to believe the life she had been living was such a different one.

His alarm clock didn’t have a chance to wake him up when noises coming from the front of the apartment alerted him to the fact that Jack was awake. He pulled on a t-shirt and made his way to the kitchen. The very messy kitchen, with a broken egg on the floor and what must be Krustez mix all over the counter if the open box was anything to go by.

“I’m making breakfast,” the proud five and a half year old exclaimed. 

“We talked about this, Jack. You’re not allowed without an adult in the kitchen with you.” For some reason Jack had become fascinated with cooking lately, and especially baking. Hotch blamed it on the dinner they’d had at Dave’s a few weeks ago, after one of their soccer practices. Dave had allowed Jack to help stir the sauce and decorate the cookies; since then his son was convinced he could make anything.

“I didn’t touch any of the hot stuff, not even the ‘rowave. You can cook my pancakes, okay?” Jack stood on a stool at the counted, stirring a bowl of something vaguely batter looking. There were lumps and chocolate chips and it was too thin. If he was lucky he could get Jack out of the room for a few minutes so he could start from scratch without hurting any feelings.

“That was good remembering about the hot stuff, buddy, but you’re not supposed to do any cooking without an adult. Just cereal and stuff from your special drawer.” The lowest drawer in the kitchen was filled with peanut butter crackers, fruit roll ups, granola bars and other kid friendly snacks. 

“I was just helpin’ dad. You didn’t have dinner last night and it’s bad to skip meals, right?” Jack looked so earnest that it was hard not to smile.

“Thank you, Jack. I did have something last night, but you’re right about skipping meals.” _Something_ was coffee and a protein bar, which barely qualified as food, but it was his place to worry about his son, not the other way around. He scooped Jack off the stool, gave him a hug, and set him down. “If you go get dressed and make your bed I’ll make the pancakes. But no more cooking without help, okay?”

“Okay, daddy.” Jack ran out of the kitchen. It would take him a few minutes to pick out an outfit and a few more to get dressed. Tying his shoes would take the longest but making his bed really just meant pulling up the comforter, and that barely took any time at all. That gave Hotch just enough time to dump the batter and rinse the sink so Jack didn’t notice, make new batter with half the chocolate chips and no egg shell, and clean the broken egg off the floor. He was just turning the first pancake when Jack returned.

“Did you catch lots of bad guys last night?” he asked as he climbed his stool to get plates out of the cabinet.

“Yeah, we did.” Not quick enough, though. Not before JJ and Renee had been hurt, one still in ICU, one home but with more trouble than she should have to cope with alone.

“The pancake’s burning.” A small hand tugged on his sleeve, catching his attention but not before the first attempt at breakfast had become black and inedible. 

“Sorry, buddy.” Hotch tossed it in the trash and scooped out more batter.

“How comed you have frowny-face, daddy? Didn’t I make the batter good?” Jack was looking at the burnt pancake, wearing a frown of his own.

“These pancakes are going to be perfect.” It wasn’t a lie, just a slight hedge. He ruffled Jack’s hair until he smiled, and turned the pancake at just the right moment. “I’m just worried about a friend of mine.”

“Are they sick?” Jack walked over to the pantry, but stopped with his hand on the door. “Can I get the powder stuff?”

“Please,” Hotch corrected. “And yes, you may.”

“What about your friend? _Are_ they sick?”

“No. She got hurt by some bad guys.” The bastards were the ones that were sick and twisted.

“Like mommy?” The box of powdered sugar fell to the floor. It had been a year and a half now; they could go weeks without nightmares or Jack worrying about what had happened to Hayley, but there was always a reminder.

“Not like mommy.” He took the pancake out of the skillet before it, too, could burn, but didn’t start a new one yet. instead he picked up Jack and put him on the counter so they could look at each other eye to eye. 

“Miss JJ was hurt but the doctors fixed her up and she’s already at home. She’s going to be okay.” He hoped, desperately, that it was true and not just a story told to keep his son from worrying.

“Can we make her some cookies? Cookies always make me feel better. I can make her a picture too. Does she like cars or fish better?” Jack was smiling again, making Hotch’s world just a little better.

“I think she’d like anything you drew for her. Drawing will have to wait, though. You have to eat so we’re not late.” He made three more pancakes, giving two to Jack and eating a part of the third before excusing himself to get dressed. He glanced at the phone the whole time he was dressing, and when all that was left was his tie he finally gave in.

“Penelope Garcia.” Hotch waited a moment, but the creative greeting he’d come to expect was not forthcoming. It was strange, though probably not unexpected, considering.

“It’s Hotch. I was just calling to see how she is.”

“She just got up. She was exhausted last night; barely made it through a bowl of soup.” From the sound of her voice Garcia hadn’t gotten much sleep herself.

“Sleep’s probably one of the best things for her right now; I’m surprised she’s up already.” Though he wasn’t, really, when he thought about it. He’d seen the mattress on the floor, not even a sheet to protect her from the cold. He knew how disrupted her sleep would have been all those nights, listening with one ear for the guard, looking for an opportunity to get not only herself but the others out. He knew that she’d gotten stitches at the hospital for a cut, and wondered about the pain that might have kept her awake as well. All the kinds of pain. “Is there anything either of you need? I could stop by on my way in to work.”

“I think we have everything. Food and chocolate and some chick flicks if she’s up for that later. I think I have all the bases covered. I’m making pancakes now, and maybe we’ll go for a walk. She could use a little sunshine.”

“You’re the one to make sure she gets it, Garcia.” Even on a cloudy day Garcia seemed to be able to bring out the sun. He was glad JJ had let their computer tech stay with her; maybe having her there today was a better idea then having her there the night before would have been. Maybe JJ would talk, if it was just the two of them.

“We’ve got her back with us. That’s sunshine enough for me,” Garcia said resolutely.

“Let me know if you change your mind about needing anything, alright? I’ll be at the office after I drop off Jack, but I can leave if you need me.” As much as he wished things were as easy as Garcia wanted them to be, he had the feeling that sunshine was a ways away.

“Will do, sir. Give Hotch mini a hug from me, and tell him I’ll see him soon, alright?”

“I will.” Hotch hug up the phone, wondering if he should have asked to speak with JJ, and what he would have said to her if he had. It was probably better to leave her in Garcia’s capable hands.

“Are you ready for school, Jack?” he called out as he walked into the hallway.

“Ready, daddy,” was Jack’s quick reply from the bathroom. Somehow he’d gotten water all over his shirt but still had powdered sugar on his face and what might be egg yoke on his cheek.

“Let me help you with that.” He sat on the closed toilet seat and helped his son get ready for school; five minutes later they were out the door. Once they reached the school Hotch gave Jack an extra hug before saying good-bye and heading off for the BAU.


	9. The Weight of Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She touched her finger to her cheek, lightly, as if to reassure herself that her carefully applied makeup was still in place. It was just one of many defensive shields she’d put up before making the call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Sorry for the wait between updates this time. This chapter didn't come very easily for some reason. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, you are all lovely people and each review makes my day! I hope this chapter was worth the wait. As always I love hearing from you.

“I love you, mommy.” Henry kissed both of his hands and ‘threw’ the kisses at her with rather exuberant force. 

“I love you too, baby. I’ll see you soon, okay?” She ‘caught’ the kisses, wishing that there was something real about them, something tangible. She missed Henry so much. She’d missed out on so much with him, these past few months. 

“Going on the big plane. Fly!” With his arms outstretched Henry slid off of his dad’s lap; half an hour of sitting still had been his limit. In the background JJ could see him ‘flying’ around the room.

“He’s going to be talking about you and then plane non-stop until we leave. He’s missed you.” Will adjusted the angle ot the laptop so the camera was aimed at his face, not his chest.

“I’ve missed him too. He’s gotten so big.” She smiled, wanly. 

“Are you sure you’re alright, cher? You seem troubled.” Will was frowning a little. It was strange, but now that they were separated they seemed to get along better then they had together, at least in last months of their relationship. It didn’t feel strange when he used endearments. It did, however, feel strange to confide in him about things she hadn’t told anyone. Anyone but Hotch, but that was different.

“It’s been a long couple of days. I just need to catch up on my sleep a little and get back to a routine.” She touched her finger to her cheek, lightly, as if to reassure herself that her carefully applied makeup was still in place. It was just one of many defensive shields she’d put up before making the call. Will knew that her undercover assignment was over, but not how it had ended.

“Are you sure about Saturday? We can get a flight out tomorrow. There’s nothing like an almost three year old to make you forget all other routines.”

“There’s no reason for you to miss work. I’ll see you Saturday.” 

“JJ...” She shut the laptop before Will could try to argue with her. As much as she wanted to see her son, she needed a little time to get used to being home first. She needed to know that she could take care of herself, so she knew she could take care of Henry too. Will would stay for a day or two, but then she’d be on her own again, a full time mom for the first time in months. A single mom for the first time ever.

“How’s my favorite little godson? Brilliant as always?” Garcia was on the couch with a six month old fashion magazine when JJ came out of the bedroom.

“Of course.” She smiled a little when she thought of the way Henry’s face had lit up when she’d turned on Skype.

“I’m sure Will’s online right now, making plane reservations. It’s too bad we can’t send the BAU jet to get them today, but I’m sure they’ll be here as early as possible tomorrow.” Garcia cocked her head to the side. “Are we being nice to Will? Because I’ll treat him however you want. I can have his luggage sent to Timbuktu on the way home; that’s always fun.”

“No. It was a mutual decision. He’s rearranged his life to take Henry these last months even through he agreed that in the long term it would be better for Henry to live here with me, and he’s made sure I got phone or Skype time with my little man almost every day. There’s no bad blood between us.” It had hurt, knowing that things were over between them. It had hurt even more knowing that it was something that should have ended some time ago. She couldn’t regret rushing into things with Will because it had given her Henry, but she’d been so determined to prove that she could make a relationship work that she’d been blind to the cracks until things were past the point of repair.

“No luggage rerouting, then. If you need to talk about it at all, though, you’ll let me know? I know it’s been a while since you two split, but I didn’t get to talk to you then and I would have brought over the chocolate and the chick flicks and all that breakup stuff if I’d known.”

“I know you would have. You’re the first person I would have called.” She’d been too busy making plans with Andi, sublimating her feelings into preparing for her assignment. She’d felt too guilty, too, knowing what a big lie she was telling to her team. It seemed like lying was all she’d done this year. 

“Speaking of chick flicks, what do you think about maybe catching a movie this afternoon? We can sneak in cookies and watch something totally fluffy. Bridesmaids just came out, or Arthur’s still in the theatres. It’s probably terrible, like most remakes are, but we can make fun of it. Remember the time the three of us went to see...” Garcia paused, biting her lower lip. ‘The three of us’ had included Emily. 

“I remember.” Garcia had thrown popcorn at the screen, and Emily had told off the prissy woman behind them who had made a rude comment. It had been one of many such evening they’d shared. In the last eight months they’d gone from the Three Musketeers, as Morgan sometimes called them, to Garcia all alone. She hadn’t been there to help her friend through the grief, and couldn’t tell Garcia that the reason for the grief, Emily’s death, didn’t exist.

“Thanks, but I don’t think I’m up for it today. Rain check, alright? Right now I’m going to walk down to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription.” She needed to get out of the apartment; it was too small, and getting smaller.

“You could take your car; an agent brought it by while you were on the computer with my little angel food cake.” On the coffee table was the set of keys that had been in her temporary apartment; Hotch must have been on the phone first ting this morning to get that arranged. 

“I feel like walking. It’s not far.” She felt like running, but she knew that she wasn’t ready for that today, not with the stitches in her thigh and the fact that the most exercise she’d gotten in the last week had been pacing her cell.

“I could come with you,” Garcia offered, hopefully. Last night JJ had been exhausted, and it made sense that she didn’t talk much, or open up at all. This morning that emotional wall was still there, though, and as much as Garcia tried everything she could think of to connect to her friend nothing seemed to work. For a few minutes in the bedroom first thing this morning things had felt normal, but when JJ had come out for breakfast that reserve was firmly back in place. It was like the way she froze out reporters; Garcia didn’t like that JJ felt she had to protect herself like that when it was just the two of them. She wanted to help.

“Thanks, but I need to clear my head. If there’s other things you need to be doing...”

“I’ll be here when you get back. You have wi-fi and a cosy couch; what more could a girl want?” What she really wanted was to have JJ back, but she could be patient. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours yet. Glancing down at the table, Garcia spied the cell phone. She hurried to catch JJ before she’d gone more than a few steps out the door. “You might want this, just in case you need anything.”

“Thanks, Pen.” JJ slipped the phone into her pocket. Afterwards she let her arms hang awkwardly at her sides. Giving Garcia a hug would have been something normal, but she couldn’t make herself move. “I’ll be back.”

II

She was three blocks past the pharmacy when she realized that she’d gone too far. For a minute she didn’t even know where she was, but she’d gone running in this area often enough to figure it out. Rather then turning around she just kept on walking, one foot in front of the other. The pharmacy would be open for hours yet. She had six hours before she needed her next dose of the medication that was her timetable for the next month, and other then Garcia there was no one expecting her anywhere.

For the last months she’d had little freedom; her life had been a routine of classes, clubs, and local sporting events, of reports written and sent in secret and meetings with her handler. She’d taken two breaks, once to spend two weeks in New Orleans with Henry over Christmas, the other when Emily had gone missing and Hotch had called her for help. She’d felt like a hypocrite then, watching as her team tried to puzzle out Emily’s double life, knowing that her own secrets were almost as plentiful. She felt a thousand times worse, lying about Emily’s fate on the operating table. The lies she’d told about going to work for Justice were nothing compared to that lie. Leaving Emily’s mock funeral had been the first time she was glad she was no longer with the BAU; she didn’t know if she could face her friends every day and watch them grieve for a woman who wasn’t dead.

It wasn’t until her thigh began to ache that she realized how long she’d been walking, almost completely unaware of her surroundings. She turned on the screen of her phone to find that it had been almost five hours since she’d left her apartment. She also found that her phone was on silent mode, and that she’d missed seven calls. There wasn’t any traffic in the residential area she was in, so she sat on the curb in front of a two story colonial home, under the shade of a tree. She’d have to find her way back to the pharmacy, but first she might as well find out who was trying to get a hold of her. She leaned against the tree trunk and hit play.

“It’s Reid, JJ. I didn’t want to call you last night because it was late and you were in the ER or on your way home. It’s important to get enough sleep, so I didn’t want to risk waking you up either. I talked to everyone last night and to Hotch this morning, so I know you’re alright and of course they wouldn’t lie about that but I’d like to hear it from you. Or see you. Can I come by soon? I’ve missed you. I... I’d just really like to see you.” 

There was a long pause before the beep. JJ could almost picture him, holding the phone, trying to figure out if he’d said the right thing or not. She should call him. She would call him, but later. For now she just let the messages play.

“Hey kid, it’s me. I just wanted to let you know that you should be getting a delivery later today. If anyone shows up from Harry and David you don’t have to worry, they’re the real thing; I didn’t figure you needed strangers showing up at the place without warning. I’m going to go ahead and let Garcia know as well. Call me if you need anything.” 

He’d sent her a Harry and David gift basket the day she’d brought Henry home from the hospital as well. Food, according to Rossi, was a panacea for almost anything. He and Garcia would do well opening a restaurant together.

“Hey girl. I know Reid was on the phone a little while ago and I’m pretty sure he was calling you, but I thought I’d let you know he really needs to see you. He’s doing a pretty good job hiding it, or at least he thinks he is, but he been interviewing some of the people we arrested last night and it’s getting to him. Last thing I want to do is pressure you at all, but if he could talk to you I think it would be really good for him. And you. Crap, he’s going for the coffee again. Last thing he needs is more caffeine, so I’m going to go try and divert him. Talk to you soon, alright?” 

Morgan’s phone call ended with a muffle of chatter and an exclamation of ‘hey!’ that sounded like Reid. JJ was pretty sure he wasn’t getting his coffee. She’d call him in a little while.

“Just wanted to make sure you’re okay, Jayje. It’s been a couple of hours since you left and you said you were just going down to the pharmacy and it’s not necessary that you come home or anything, I just wondered if you needed anything. There was a delivery for you. I signed for it; Rossi’s name is on it, and it looks like one of his epic food baskets. I’ll leave you alone now, unless you need anything. You’ll let me know, won’t you?” 

JJ sighed. Garcia had better things to do then sit around and wait for her to get home. She didn’t want to take up all of her friend’s free time; it made her feel doubly guilty. She knew Garcia was waiting for her to talk, and though she’d promised Hotch she’d ask for help when she needed it, she wasn’t ready for that right now. Maybe Hotch was learning to read her mind over a long distance, because the next call was from him.

“It’s Hotch. Andi was going to call you, but I asked her to let me do it. She needs you to come in on Friday for a debriefing. It’s her case so she needs to be the one you talk to, but if it’s alright with you I’d like to be there. I offered the conference room here, because I thought you’d be more comfortable, but we can change that to my office or hers if you’d rather. I don’t have to be there, if you’re more comfortable. Andi’s a good agent, and I’m sure the two of you work well together. I still think of you are being BAU, not human trafficking, and I want you to know that I’m here to support you whatever way you need.”

His voice was even and matter-of-fact. Most people would think he was calm, bordering on dry. Years of calls from Hotch, though, meant that she knew better. He was upset. he was also having a hard time taking a step back and letting her make choices, rather then make the decisions. If she didn’t let him come to the interview he’d worry himself into an ulcer and pace a hole into the carpet outside of Andi’s office. She didn’t know how to convince him that nothing that had happened was his responsibility. He carried too much on his shoulders without carrying her as well.

“Mommy, where you at? Daddy buyed us tickets for flying on the plane on the weekend.”

“Saturday,” a familiar voice said in the background. “Arriving at one o’clock, remember?”

“One clock, mommy, ‘memeber? Me and daddy are flying on the plane, and I can sleep in my real bed in my real room, ‘cause daddy said. I love you!”

JJ didn’t realize that she was crying until she brushed her hand against her cheek and found that her fingers were wet.

“JJ? It’s Hotch again. I just talked to Garcia, and she said you’d been gone for the whole afternoon. She’s worried about you. Can you give one of us a call, please? I know you probably just need some space and I respect that, but I only just was able to talk Garcia down from running a track on the GPS in your phone. I don’t think even a call from Morgan’s going to keep her calm for long. She mentioned you and gutter in the same sentence; I think the last twenty-four hours are catching up with her.” JJ almost thought he’d hung up, but after a long pause he added: “I think things are catching up with all of us.”

JJ stared at her phone until the screen went black, all of the messages played out, and then she kept staring. She needed to call Reid, Garcia, Hotch, and Andi. She needed to get to the pharmacy before it closed, to pick up her prescription. She needed to get home before it started getting dark and the cool spring day turned into a frigid spring night. All of that sounded like too much, though. Instead she sat on the curb and stared at a crack in the cement, wondering how long she’d have to be gone before the world started moving on without her.


	10. Small Victories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strauss raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow, and the visit suddenly made sense.

“Right now you’re looking at a life sentence in maximum security. I can help you with that, but only if you’re the first one to talk to me. Any of your friends take the offer first and you’re shut out in the cold.” Rossi’s elbows rested on the interrogation table, his weight shifted forward. Someone watching without listening might think a friendly chat was happening, at least from Rossi’s side of things. 

Marc Fisk sat in silence on the other side of the table, his arms crossed. He was a cold bastard, not reacting to threats or promises. Their chances of breaking him were slim, just like the others. No one, in all their hours of interviews so far, had answered a question or asked for anything except a lawyer. It was only from the victim interviews that they knew anything about the organization. The victims, and JJ.

It was supposed to be Hotch’s interview, but the call from Garcia had come just before they’d begun and he’d stepped out of the room to answer the phone. For just a moment he’d been glad of the reprieve. Now he was even more worried. Worried enough that he’d made a second call even though he didn’t want to put any pressure on JJ.

“We know there are clients in other locations. You seem like a guy who knows what’s going on; I’m sure you can tell us where the list is and how to get to it. Each name you get me will take time off your sentence. It could be the difference between a life starring at a cement wall and a few years watching daytime tv. You don’t really want to live the rest of your life in a cage, do you?” Rossi tore a piece of paper off a legal pad, pushing it across the table with a pen.

Hotch leaned against the wall, watching silently as the man actually picked up the pen. Nothing about him read as a man close to cracking, or breaking away from the pack. Hotch couldn’t see him giving up the names. He was right; the only two words on the paper when Fisk was done were ‘fuck you.’

“He doesn’t have anything for us. Let him rot.” Hotch didn’t even glance at the paper a second time before leaving the room. A moment later Rossi followed, but Hotch was already heading for his office. He was checking his phone for messages, hoping JJ had called or at least texted, and didn’t realize until he was halfway to his desk that he wasn’t alone.

“Ma’am.” He set his phone down on the corner of his desk; there wasn’t a message from JJ or Garcia. Erin Strauss stood at the window, but he didn’t approach her. She would say whatever she needed to, and he would listen but he would do so from behind his desk.

“Eighteen arrests last night. Very impressive.”

“Most of the credit should go to Andi Swan and her team. We’d be nowhere without them.” The case also might have been impossible without two dead young adults and two undercover agents, but it was the connections Andi had made between her case and his that had started things happening.

“Of course. Agent Swan is a credit to the Bureau.” Though he offered a chair Strauss did not sit; he had the position of power behind the desk and she wasn’t about to give up the higher ground. The few times she’d been in his office she’d never taken a seat. “I’ve been told that Agent Matlin is in stable condition. They should be able to move her out of ICU tomorrow.”

“That’s good to hear.” It was confusing, as well. Strauss was not in his office to discuss Renee’s condition. She wasn’t here to praise his team for the arrests last night, either.

“I’ve been getting some calls from the press about the case. Somehow it was leaked that there were undercover agents involved. They’re looking for a story.”

“I don’t think Renee will be ready to talk to anyone for some time.” She certainly shouldn’t be subjected to reporters in her hospital room after what she’d been through the past week.

“I would have to agree. She was not, however, the only agent undercover. How is Agent Jareau feeling?” Strauss raised one perfectly groomed eyebrow, and the visit suddenly made sense.

“She’s on leave for at least the next week, and doesn’t need to deal with the press. She’s been separated from her family for months now, and needs to recover and spend time with them.” If need be he would make sure that every member of her BAU family stood between her and any reporters. He’d do everything he could to keep Strauss away from her as well. It was going to be bad enough when Andi had to debrief her, and she’d be as careful as possible, something that would not be true of Strauss or any reporter.

“It would be good publicity for the Bureau, and it’s not your decision to make, Agent Hotchner. I am going out of my way to keep you informed, despite the fact that she’s not a member of your team anymore, but I can and will speak with her myself.” With an air of determination, Strauss raised her chin in the same way a queen might, dismissing a servant, and turned towards the door.

“Chief Strauss...” His phone, turned to silent, vibrated against the desk with a dull humming sound. Normally he would have ignored it until Strauss was gone, but right now he didn’t care about proper protocol. That, or Dave was a bad influence on him and he was beginning to enjoy annoying their chief. He glanced at the screen, glad that he did when he read the words ‘JJ calling.’ “I need to take this.”

“Agent Hotchner.” She was not a woman who liked to be ignored, not even when she was the one about to leave.

“Hotchner,” he said with more formality then he would have if he was alone. He half turned his back to the room’s other occupant, not feeling the need to betray how relieved he was to hear JJ’s voice on the other end of the call. As his calls, as well as everyone else’s, had gone unanswered all afternoon he’d been growing more and more concerned. 

“I can be there in twenty minutes.” He only paid enough attention to Strauss to know that she left his office. Most of his attention was on JJ and her reassurances that she was fine. It was a word that was beginning to lose its meaning, especially when it came to how she was feeling. At least she was letting him pick her up, instead of her first suggestion of calling a cab. He hated to think of how tired she was, if she’d been walking all afternoon. “I’m leaving right now.”

The only detour he made after filling his briefcase with files was to walk to the office right next door. “I need a favor.”

“Name it.” They were only halfway through interviews, but the rest were scheduled for the next day. Rossi was at his desk with a stack of reports and a mug of coffee that Hotch was sure he wished was a glass of scotch instead. In another hour, when most of the building was vacated, it might be.

“Strauss was just in my office. She’s decided that JJ would make a great human interest piece in the papers. I told her it was a bad idea, but you know she won’t listen to me.” She didn’t like to listen to Rossi either, but he had some sway over her. He didn’t use it often, but he generally got his way when he pushed hard enough. He’d push for JJ. 

“She rarely listens to anyone who disagrees with her.” Rossi shook his head, and scowled at the empty doorway as if Strauss would appear there any second. It took him a moment to notice the briefcase Hotch was holding. “You going somewhere?”

“JJ called. She walked farther then she can walk back to her apartment. I told her it made more sense for me to pick her up then it did to call a cab.” 

“JJ doesn’t need to deal with the kind of crap Strauss is trying to pull. In fact I don’t think she even needs to know it was a possibility.” Rossi pushed himself back from the desk. “You go get JJ. I’ll take care of things here, and that includes Erin.” 

“Thanks.” Rossi knew what needed to be done, without any questions, both when it came to taking care of JJ’s interests and those of the rest of the team. He’d make sure the others didn’t stay too late; they were all putting in more overtime than usual on this case, for obvious reasons, but they wouldn’t help JJ if they burned themselves out.

II

He almost drove past JJ. Her hair was down and covering half her face, and the tank top she wore showed off arms that were a little thinner then he remembered; she looked not unlike the twenty-something year old she’d been pretending to be during her assignment. She was leaner and more imposing than the twenty-four year old JJ he’d met, though, fresh out of the Academy and eager to prove herself. As she walked towards the car he could tell that she was trying to hide a slight limp; her leg must be bothering her.

“I let Garcia know that you were with me, so she should stop texting you every five minutes.” He waited until she was buckled in before pulling away from the curb. “Where are we going?”

“CVS.” She seemed to lose a few inches of height as she sunk into the seat, leaning heavily against the headrest. “I haven’t checked my texts, just the phone messages.”

“There’s some Tylenol in the glove compartment if you need any, and a bottle of water if you lift up the armrest.” He had a vague idea of what some of her phone messages had been like; she didn’t need another person asking if she was alright. She also didn’t need the reminder that people were worried about her.

“Thanks.” She didn’t move, though, barely stirring on the drive to the pharmacy. With the evening traffic what should have been a ten minute trip took twenty; she’d managed to pass her original destination by more than a couple of miles.

“Do you want me to come in?” he offered. JJ shook her head.

“It shouldn’t take me more than a few minutes; I called it in this morning.”

“I’ll wait here at the curb, then.” He didn’t want her to have to walk any further than necessary. He would have offered to go in for her, but knew that the offer wouldn’t be accepted.

JJ was right when she said that it wouldn’t take long. He barely had time to check the messages on his phone before she returned; though they were all important the only one that mattered to him at the moment was Dave’s, saying that Strauss was pissed but had grudgingly agreed to call off the reporter. 

“Home?” he asked. JJ had returned with a plastic bag and a water bottle already half empty. He hoped that meant she’d taken a pain killer; he knew the ER doctor had written her a prescription.

“I guess,” she said without enthusiasm. Without emotion, really, and that worried him more then whether or not she’d taken medicine for her sore leg. Of all the words he could use to describe JJ over the years that he’d known her, emotionless had never been one that had ever been applicable.

“Would you rather come over to my place? Jack’s spending the night at a friend’s house. I was going to order Chinese for dinner. I could get sweet and sour pork.” His plan really had been to make a sandwich, something he could eat while working on paperwork, but Chinese was one of her favorite foods, especially sweet and sour pork.

“Garcia’s already worrying enough. I should go home.” She wounded more normal when talking about Garcia; it always was easier for JJ to deal with other people’s emotions rather then to express her own.

“I’ll let her know you’re spending a couple hours at my place. I might even suggest that she get a good night’s rest at her own place so she can be in the office tomorrow morning.” JJ hadn’t mentioned it, but he suspected that she needed her own space. 

“You don’t need to change any plans for me, Hotch. I’m fine.”

“You’d be helping me out, really. The apartment’s too quiet when Jack’s gone for the night.” It wasn’t a lie; the empty apartment reminded him of the months when Haley and Jack were in witness protection and he had nothing to come home to, not even the hope of a weekend visit with his son. Since Jack had been with him full time the two bedroom apartment was rarely quiet.

“Alright, but I should be the one to call Garcia; it’s not fair to her to keep ignoring her messages. And I get to buy dinner.” She was looking out the side window, so Hotch didn’t bother hiding how relieved he was that she’d agreed so easily.

“That seems fair.” He took a u-turn at the next light, heading for his apartment. They could call in their order; by now the delivery man knew him by name.


	11. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark eyes met pale blue, and somehow JJ couldn't look away, not until the tip of the knife dug into her skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: This chapter starts with a flashback/nightmare of JJ's time in captivity. Although it doesn't go into enough detail to warrant a 'M' rating in my opinion I do want to mention it as a trigger warning for implied rape.

"We'll start the bidding at one thousand." The voice sounded far away, though she could see the outline of the woman standing just in front of her, close enough to touch if she wasn't chained to the chair. This room was so bright; her eyes hadn't adjusted to the light yet, not when she'd spent the last three days in almost complete darkness. There was no light in her cell, only the yellowed light bulb in the hallway beyond.

"She doesn't look like she'd put up much fight." The voice came out of the darkness, somewhere beyond the lights that were pointing at her. No matter how hard she tried to look she couldn't see the people she knew were there.

"All she needs is a little incentive." JJ almost wished her eyes hadn't started to adjust to the light; the woman she'd thought was another victim when they first met was now holding a knife and grinning in a way that made her blood cold. "Who's going to start the bidding tonight?"

JJ barely heard the voices that shouted out numbers. Everything was muffled still, a side effect of whatever they put in the food, she was sure. She struggled against the handcuff around her wrist but it was as secure as any state issued set. She needed to get out of here.

"This is our friend's first night here. Look how flawless she is; isn't that worth a little more?" The woman was crouching at her side now, the look in her eyes pure pleasure as she touched the flat of the blade against JJ's thigh. JJ stopped struggling.

"You're a psychopath," JJ said. There was no sign of guilt or remorse coming from this young woman. There was no way to talk her out of doing this either, not even if there wasn't an audience. Maybe Hotch could have, or Emily, but not her.

"I'm just someone who really, really enjoys my work." Dark eyes met pale blue, and somehow JJ couldn't look away, not until the tip of the knife dug into her skin. It wasn't much more than a scratch, but blood welled up and was absorbed by the grey underwear. Underwear that, a moment later, were cut away by the knife, leaving her exposed. JJ tried to cross her legs, but the woman shook her head and caressed the inside of JJ's thigh with the knife blade. "The clients should be allowed a good look at the merchandise."

"You can't do this." She didn't cross her legs but she did, once again, try to fight against the restraints. "How can you live with yourself, doing this to other women?"

"I think of all the nice green money I get, and it's easy." She looked amused as she examined the knife in her hand, looking at JJ over the blade. She didn't even bother looking at the audience that JJ could vaguely see now. "Do I have two thousand?"

"I'll give you five thousand, for the girl and the knife." The voice, low and cultured sounding, wasn't one JJ had noticed before.

"It's twice that, if I can't use her again."

"I'll keep that in mind." The handcuffs came off, then, but there was nowhere to run. She didn't manage more than a few steps before she was caught around the waist and held tight. "You're mine, girl."

"These people took me from my campus and keep me locked up. You could stop this. If it was your sister or your daughter wouldn't you want someone to help them? My dad's all alone, if anything happens to me." She wanted to scream and kick, but knew that it wouldn't help anything. Fighting would only make it easier to objectify her. She needed to make him see her as a human if she was going to have any hope of stopping him from raping her, and worse.

"There's a room next door. Mike will come take care of things when you're done." Even as JJ was carried off, a young man was being led to the seat she'd been occupying. He was young, thin, and scared. He looked a little like Reid. She couldn't do anything to help him.

"You don't have to do this. If you get me out of here I'll make sure you get your money back. You could shut this place down and be a hero in the press. I'll tell everyone how you saved me." She wanted to tell him about her little boy, how Henry needed his mother, but breaking cover would only get her in more trouble if she was found out. She wanted to find the right thing to say to stop this from happening, but when he tossed her on the bed she could see the look in his eyes and knew that nothing could save her.

"Money only matters to me because of the pleasure it can buy." In the dim light of the room, the metal of the knife seemed to gleam even brighter.

"Please." She bit her tongue before she could say more. She would not beg. His hand touched her leg and though she knew it was hopeless she tried to kick it away. He touched her again and everything inside of her wanted to scream.

"JJ." The voice was low, a whisper just at her side. It was wrong. The voice was wrong and the name was wrong; this man couldn't know who she really was.

"JJ, you need to wake up." The hand was on her arm now, featherlight, unlike the hand that gripped her thigh. The comfort it seemed to offer was unbearable.

"Get off me." As she pushed the hand away she opened her eyes, and found Hotch watching her with cautious concern. The dingy warehouse faded away, replaced by Hotch's living room. She'd been dreaming.

"Are you alright?" He didn't try to touch her, but he didn't back away either. His hands rested on the edge of the couch. He barely moved.

"I don't remember falling asleep." She didn't answer him; there didn't seem to be a reason to agree that she was fine when she obviously wasn't, and she wasn't ready to admit to anything other than 'fine.'

"You made it through about half of Groundhog's Day. I didn't think there was a reason to wake you up." Not when she so obviously needed the sleep.

"What time is it?" It felt uncomfortable, laying down while talking to him, so she struggled to sit up. She panicked for a brief moment when it felt as if she was being held down, but realized it was the blankets Hotch must have covered her with earlier, tangled around her.

"A quarter to midnight." When she sat up he perched carefully on the edge of the couch, making sure there was space between the two of them.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" It didn't occur to her until after she asked that he was still wearing his clothes from earlier; pants and a button down. He'd removed his jacket when they'd gotten to his place, and his tie before the food had arrived.

"I was trying to get caught up on some paperwork; you know how that is." He nodded at the files stacked up on the coffee table. She couldn't imagine him sitting on the floor, unless it was to play with Jack, so he must have been sitting in the armchair next to the couch. Like he was standing guard, a small voice said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"The nightmare?" It was the last thing she wanted to talk about.

"Any of it."

"Henry's coming home on Saturday. I talked to him this morning." For the first time in hours she smiled. Henry was the one light in her life right now. She couldn't even let herself worry about how she was going to manage, on her own.

"I bet he's missed you like crazy. Jack's asked about him a few times; we should get them together soon." He looked like he wanted to say more, but didn't. JJ could read the questions in his eyes, though.

"Will's only bringing him, he's not staying. We split right before I left the team." Maybe she should have told the whole team then; it would be easier then telling everyone one by one.

"I'm sorry. I know how hard that is." His gaze flickered to the photo on the coffee table, where a photo of him and Haley with a toddler Jack held the place of honor.

"We were never what you and Haley were." JJ shook her head. Even two years after they'd divorced, Hotch was heartbroken when Haley had died. Her bond with Will was Henry. She was glad there was nothing else between them, now; it had been hard enough to keep a relationship before, but now she felt hollow, as if everything in her had been used up or taken away.

"No relationship is the same as another. It couldn't have been easy, dealing with that and your new assignment at the same time."

"For a while the new job made it easier." At least she didn't have time to think about thing. Now she had too much time, and nothing to do but think. "I should get going, and not keep you up any later. I'll call a cab."

"It's late." Hotch frowned. "Why don't you stay the night and I'll drop you off in the morning on my way to work?"

"It's not fair to put you out. You'll have to get up early and drive out of your way." And she might have another nightmare; he didn't need to worry about that, or deal with it.

"I'll get up at the normal time, and risk not being there before every member of the team. And I won't even insist that you take my bed. You can use Jack's room; he'll probably think it's 'cool."

He made it sound so logical that she didn't see a way to argue with him. It helped his case that the idea of being alone in a cab with a stranger made her nervous. "Alright. I guess since it's this late already."

"Good. I'll find you something more comfortable to sleep in." He led her to Jack's room, stopping at the doorway. She wondered if it was an unconscious action, or if he did it deliberately to give her the sense that the room was a safe place, just for her. A minute later he returned with a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants that would be too big, but workable. "Is there anything else you need?"

"A week in the Bahamas would be nice," she tried to joke.

"You should think about going somewhere with Henry. I know you have quite a bit of vacation time owed you." They all did. No one on the team used more than a fraction of their allotted time off.

JJ shook her head. "Henry needs to settle back in. Maybe later, at the end of summer."

"Alright." He didn't press the issue. As much as she needed a break he didn't like her being farther away then he could reach, if she needed help. "Sleep well, JJ."

"Goodnight, Hotch. Thank you, for everything." She was going to have to stop letting him help so much. Soon, but not tonight.

"I'm right across the hall if you need anything else." He closed his bedroom door, then. She stared at it for a moment before stepping back and closing her own and turning towards the blue and white bed of a little boy. She hoped that tonight she would not sully it with any nightmares.


	12. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trip to the sixth floor was a quick one, even from the sub basement where Human Trafficking was located.

JJ tugged at her cardigan until it wrapped around her completely. She recognized the action as an unconscious attempt to shield herself, rather than trying to warm herself up despite the fact that she was cold. It was also a way to avoid eye contact with the elevator’s other occupant.

“You don’t have to go upstairs. No one would blame you for being too tired after that.” ‘That’ being two and a half hours in Andi’s office, going over everything from the moment she was taken to the night of the rescue. Hotch had been there the whole time except for ten minutes when she’d asked him for coffee and something to eat. She’d only picked at the bagel when he’d returned, but she used the time while he was gone to inform Andi about the way the auction worked and the few details about her own post-auction experience she felt were necessary. Despite the fact that Hotch knew what had happened, when it came down to it she couldn’t share that part of her report in front of him.

“I promised Reid. I already put him off from visiting yesterday.” Garcia had been gone when Hotch had dropped her off the day before. She’d answered Reid’s call and spoken with him, but the idea of letting anyone else into her home right then was too much. She couldn’t disappoint him again.

The trip to the sixth floor was a quick one, even from the sub basement where Human Trafficking was located. It was too quick for JJ, who despite her promise wasn’t sure she was ready to face the whole team at once. 

“I’m going to get some coffee. Did you want some?” It would give her a few minutes, and help her warm up.

“I should check my messages.” He walked part way to the bullpen alcove, though, taking a circular route to his office until he saw that the corner where the coffee pot was was empty. “You know where I am if you need me.”

“Pretty sure you haven’t moved your office in the past couple of months.” As JJ watched him walk away she scanned the rest of the bullpen. Little had changed in her absence, except for the fact that Emily’s desk was cleared and the desk next to it, which had been empty months ago, now had a tall stack of files, a small clock and an FBI Academy mug filled with pens on the surface. Seaver’s, she would assume.

She kept her back to the corner of the room as she poured her coffee, watching the agents as they moved around the room. None of them paid attention to her, except Anderson who paused and nodded a greeting. She nodded back, and used the pretence of looking for sugar to turn away before he decided to come over.

“Now there’s a sight for sore eyes.” The voice wasn’t close enough to worry her, but she did find herself taking a step back out of habit. 

“Rossi. Hey.” She managed what felt like a normal smile when he stopped a couple of feet away, just a little more space than he normally would have given her. “I was craving some bad coffee, and this is the first place I thought of coming.”

“You’re in luck today, then. I’m pretty sure Reid made the last pot.” He carried his own mug, but didn’t seem in a hurry to fill it up. She wondered if he really needed coffee, or had just used it as an excuse to come over when he’d seen her. Then again no one on the team needed an excuse to come over to the coffee pot; caffeine was a common addiction for all of them.

“Great.” She added a second packet of sugar and enough fake creamer to cover the taste; for all of his genius coffee making seemed to be a skill the evaded Reid. “Thanks, by the way, for the basket of fruit.”

“Well if you insist on eating a piece of fruit and calling it breakfast you should at least have the good stuff.” It was a conversation they’d had a dozen times, in hotel rooms around the country, since JJ wasn’t much of a breakfast person and Rossi didn’t think a day was off to a good start unless there was sausage or bacon to be had. It was comforting, the little things that didn’t change.

“I’ll take an apple over fat and grizzle any day, thanks.” She smiled at him as she took a sip of her coffee, the extra sugar almost covering the acidity of FBI coffee. Now she remembered why the coffee on campus that everyone complained about had never phased her.

“It’s called protein, kiddo. It’s good for you.” He filled his own mug, then, boldly taking a sip without anything to alter the flavor. “Unlike this, which is only slightly better than drinking gasoline.”

“It’s not that...” She looked down at her mug and wrinkled her nose. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“You’ve been missed around here,” Rossi commented as he watched her pour out the coffee and get out the can of pre-ground beans to start a fresh pot. 

“And not just for your coffee. I know you’re not ready to make any decisions right now but if you decide to rejoin the team we’d all be overjoyed. And if there’s any squeaky wheels that need to be taken care of I’m your man.” He tilted his head in the general direction of Strauss’ office.

“I can’t think much past tomorrow and Henry coming home.” She tried not to think too much about the last few yesterdays, either.

“And that’s all you should be thinking about right now. Just remember that doors are open to you, whenever you’re ready.” He touched his hand to her shoulder, moving slowly enough for her to stop him, if she needed. She didn’t, but appreciated his awareness even as she hoped he didn’t understand why she was more cautious than usual about touch.

“JJ?” Reid, like Garcia, moved quickly and without reserve when it came to touching her. She barely had a chance to register that he was there before he was hugging her. He was so distinctly himself, though, that she couldn’t confuse him with anyone else in her memories. He didn’t threaten her, but she did find the emotion to be a little overwhelming.

“I’m not going to disappear if you let go, Spence. I promise.” She patted his back, hoping to reassure him the same way she would comfort Henry. By the time he let go Rossi had already crossed the bullpen.

“I haven’t seen you in eight weeks, not since...”

“I know,” she said softly, steeling herself not to betray any emotion. The last time they’d seen each other had been at Emily’s funeral. Reid still didn’t know that what they’d buried was a casket of bricks, just like he hadn’t known until a few days ago that she wasn’t with Justice. Everything in her life right now felt like a lie. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“I miss her. I missed you too. Everyone keeps leaving.” He let go of her, but didn’t move very far away, as if afraid she really would leave if he wasn’t close enough to stop her.

“I’m not going anywhere. Henry’s coming home tomorrow and he’s going to want to see his godfather. I was hoping we could bring back Thursday night dinners, just you and me and Henry.” It was a suggestion that she hadn’t expected to make, at least not this soon. The way Reid’s face brightened, though, made the offer worth it. Thursday was almost a week away; things should be calmed down by then.

“Really? Because I found this documentary about underwater animals that I bought because it’s all completely factual but it’s made for kids by the National Geographic. Some guy named Dudley Moore narrates it. His voice is very soothing. I could bring it and some Chinese food if you don’t want to have to cook. Does seven o’clock still sound like a good time? I know Henry will have to adjust to the time change and everything but at his age that shouldn’t be too difficult of a transition.”

JJ, glad that the topic had shifted to food and Henry, let Reid talk until he ran out of breath. All she had to do was nod and agree that seven was a fine time, and he was off again about the learning developments in two and a half year olds. He read far more child psychology books than she did, and remembered them all.

“Let me get us some coffee,” she offered, filling mugs for both of them. It was a more relaxing visit than she’d expected. A few well timed comments and he’d talk for the next half hour at least, she knew. 

“I’ve missed you, Spence. Why don’t you catch me up on what’s been happening?” JJ leaned against the counter and sipped her coffee as Reid talked. She didn’t listen to everything he said but his voice did help her forget the hours of questions in Andi’s office.


End file.
